Chapter 7: Building Love Together in Grandparenting

Chapman and Deal widen the lens to three generations: step-grandparents, the adult middle generation, and the grandchildren. A step-grandparent has to earn the middle generation's trust to reach the children. Here is an invented scene, not from the book, to see what that looks like.

Walt has just married Ruth. Ruth's grown daughter, Dana, is hosting the holiday meal, and Dana's two children are Walt's new step-grandchildren. Walt stands in the doorway with a coat over his arm and a bag of presents. He has about five seconds to decide what kind of guest to be.

Paul tells Timothy that God gave us "a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control" (2 Timothy 1:7). Watch fear work on Walt in two directions. Fear that withdraws whispers, they do not want you here, so he sits in a corner or skips next year. Fear that controls says, win them quickly: a bigger present for the kid who warms up, a push to be called Grandpa today, a sharp remark about how Dana runs things. Both feel like self-protection. Neither serves anyone at the table.

Now picture power, love and self-control. Power here is steadiness, not force: Walt walks in the door. Love asks Dana what would help, treating her trust as something to earn. Chapman and Deal say the five Ps apply to grandparents as they do to stepparents, including pursuing at a pace the grandchildren and their parents can receive. Self-control shows up in the presents, and the book asks for equity in gifts, time and babysitting between biological and step-grandchildren.

Deal describes the step-grandparent's situation as an inherited grandparenting situation, and he observes that grandparents who stepped in during the single-parent years may feel a loss when a stepparent arrives. Grace is needed on every side of the table.

Dana's side matters too. Ruth is a widow, and Dana had doubts when the engagement was announced. Chapman says adult children in that spot may see concerns the parent misses, and they deserve empathy. But if the parent goes ahead, he says the adult child should be kind and respectful, and he says cutting off contact is never healthy. By hosting the meal, Dana is choosing neither withdrawal nor lecture, the same steady path Walt is trying to walk.

Paul also remembers the faith that lived first in Timothy's grandmother Lois and his mother Eunice, and he urges Timothy to fan into flame the gift of God. Faith and affection can pass through the generations when people keep showing up and tending what is good. Walt and Dana both have a chance to fan something good into flame at one holiday table.

A caution that stands apart from the authors' teaching: kindness never means staying close to someone who harms you. If contact is unsafe, talk to a pastor or counselor about what safe, faithful care looks like.

Read Chapter 7 on your own first. Whether you are grandparents, adult children, or parents whose kids have grandparents in the mix, you will find a place in this chapter. Then sit together. Start warm: each of you names one grandparent or older mentor whose love shaped you.

Chapman and Deal describe three generations: step-grandparents, the adult middle generation, and the grandchildren. A step-grandparent has to earn the trust of the middle generation to reach the children. That is a humbling point. The way to the grandchildren runs through their parents. The authors say the five Ps of stepparenting apply here too. Pursue at a pace the grandchildren and their parents can receive. Treat gifts, time and babysitting equitably between biological and step-grandchildren. Children notice differences, and so do their parents.

The chapter also takes on a tender situation. When a widowed parent remarries, adult children may object. Chapman says they may see concerns the parent misses, and they deserve empathy. But if the parent goes ahead, the adult children should be kind and respectful. He adds that cutting off contact is never healthy. Deal observes that grandparents who stepped in during the single-parent years may feel a loss when a stepparent arrives. Everyone in the picture is carrying something. If someone's behavior is abusive or unsafe, that is a separate matter. Talk with a pastor or counselor about how to protect yourselves while staying as open as is safe.

Paul's note to Timothy in 2 Timothy 1:3-7 shows what a generational legacy looks like. "I am reminded of your sincere faith, a faith that dwelt first in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice and now, I am sure, dwells in you as well." Paul remembers Timothy's tears and longs to see him. Then he says: "fan into flame the gift of God ... for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." Love is not fear's opposite by accident. Fear makes older generations hold on tightly or pull away, and it makes younger ones defensive. Love that is steady and self-controlled leaves room for others to come at their own pace. Timothy's grandmother was part of his family by blood, not by remarriage. Still, the text shows that faith and love can pass quietly through a household over many years.

There is a loss to name as well. Grandparents who held the family together may feel pushed aside. Adult children who lost a parent may feel their mother or father is being replaced. Remember that grief often hides inside irritation.

When you talk, one of you answers fully while the other only listens to understand, with no fixing or defending. Then switch. If a question touches grief or an old wound, slow down and consider a counselor or pastor. Pausing a hard talk is not giving up on it. Come back when you are ready. Close with a short prayer if you both want it.