Chapter 3: When Loves Compete and Conflict

In his teaching on stepfamilies, Deal describes a triangle of attachment. The bond between a parent and child existed before the new marriage. The couple's bond is brand new. In a blended home these two bonds compete for time, attention and loyalty. Nobody is a villain. Both bonds are real and both matter.

Here is a story he tells. A single mother has a nightly ritual with her children: an hour-and-a-half of talking together. After she remarries, her new husband spends those evenings waiting. The authors' counsel is that the couple first talks about it privately. The biological parent then takes the lead in reshaping the ritual, shortening it without ending it. The stepparent practices empathy rather than ordering the change. Notice who leads and who doesn't. The parent has the standing to lead. The stepparent's job is understanding, not an ultimatum.

A second story shows a different side. A boy refuses a gift from his stepmother because accepting it feels like saying his absent mother's absence is fine. So a child can be torn between a biological parent and a stepparent. Chapman and Deal say a stepparent speaking a child's love language can collide with that child's loyalty. A gift that would normally say "I care" can be heard as "I'm replacing her."

Now read Ecclesiastes 4:9-12. "Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil." The writer is describing partners who help each other when one falls and who keep each other warm. For a stepcouple, this says the marriage is meant to be a working partnership. If one adult is left alone to face the loyalty pull, they "have not another to lift [them] up." The couple needs to talk privately, first, before bringing any change to the children.

Then the last line: "a threefold cord is not quickly broken." The verse doesn't spell out who or what the third strand is. It simply says that a cord of more than two strands holds. Many readers take this to mean inviting God into the partnership, and that seems wise for a couple facing pulls from both sides. Pray together about the conversation before you have it.

This topic can touch real pain, especially if a child's other parent is absent, unkind or has died. Grief and loyalty are tangled. If your family is carrying that, a pastor or counselor can help you walk through it, and a child should never be pressured to prove loyalty to anyone.

Read Chapter 3 on your own first, then come together. Same rhythm as before: one thing that landed, then take turns listening.

Deal describes a triangle of attachment in stepfamilies. A parent and child had a bond before the new marriage. Now there is also a couple bond, and the older bond competes with the newer one for time, attention and loyalty. Nobody has to be doing anything wrong for this to happen. It is simply the shape of a stepfamily.

Deal offers a story. A single mother had a nightly talk with her children that lasted an hour and a half, which left her new husband waiting. His counsel has three parts. First, the couple talks privately. Second, the stepparent practices empathy rather than ordering the change. Third, the biological parent takes the lead in reshaping the ritual, shortening it without ending it. Notice the order, and who does what. The stepparent does not announce changes, and the parent speaks to her own children.

A second story shows the other side. A boy refuses a gift from his stepmother because accepting it feels like saying his absent mother's absence is fine. Chapman and Deal say a stepparent speaking a child's love language can collide with that child's loyalty, and a child can be torn between a biological parent and a stepparent. Here is our own reading, not the authors' claim: a refused gift may be about the child's loyalty, not a verdict on the stepparent's heart. That gives a stepparent room to stay gentle and keep going.

Now to Ecclesiastes. The Preacher is writing about companions in work, not about stepfamilies. So treat what follows as application, not the text's own claim. "Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil." The toil you share is raising this household. "If they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!" In the triangle, a stepparent can feel like an outsider and a parent can feel torn, and each can end up alone. The way out is not more distance but a private place where you are two on the same side.

The passage ends: "though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him — a threefold cord is not quickly broken." The verse doesn't say who the three strands are. As a picture, it says what is braided together is stronger than any single strand. Pressures on loyalty weaken a couple who face them separately and hold up better against a couple who stand together.

So plan one conversation as a couple before changing anything for the children. This can touch old hurts, such as a past divorce or feeling shut out. Lead with curiosity, and if it runs hot, a counselor or pastor can help.