Chapter 6: Building Love Together in Sibling Relationships

Chapman and Deal point out that stepsiblings often compete for a biological parent's time. One example is a child who used to have a parent to herself on visitation weekends and now shares that parent with a stepmother and her children. Time that was once undivided is now shared, and that is a real change to notice before anyone is labeled a troublemaker.

Deal's counsel is realistic: parents cannot make children love one another, but they can build a climate where friendliness is likely. Expect kindness. Correct unkindness. Show up for each child's events and birthdays. Do not demand deep intimacy between stepsiblings. He also notes that stepsiblings sometimes adore each other, and that good and hard are often present at once.

Romans 12:9-16 fits this surprisingly well. Paul writes, "Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor." The word brotherly is almost too perfect for a house full of stepbrothers and stepsisters. Paul does command affection, but notice he pairs it with concrete acts: showing honor, showing hospitality, blessing, living "in harmony with one another."

Those acts are what a parent can require. A parent can say: in this house we speak respectfully, we share the bathroom fairly, and we celebrate each other's birthdays. A parent cannot manufacture the warm feeling underneath. That is why the climate matters more than the demand. Affection can grow where honor, hospitality and harmony are the daily habit. Notice that these standards protect every child at once, which matters when a child already worries about being shortchanged.

Chapman suggests a family conversation about the losses each person has already experienced, along with learning one another's love languages at a level that fits each child's age. Romans 12:15 gives a pattern to bring to that talk: "Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep." Let a child name a loss without rushing to fix it. Then cheer just as freely at each child's good news, including a stepsibling's.

Because good and hard sit side by side, aim for small wins: a shared meal, a joke, a ride to a game. Do not read every cold shoulder as failure or every laugh as a finished project. If a child's grief seems heavy or long-lasting, a pastor or counselor can help the whole family carry it.

This week, choose one concrete house standard that fits Paul's list, say it plainly and kindly to every child, and apply it the same way to all of them, biological and step alike.

Read Chapter 6 on your own first. Then come together, and open warm: each of you shares one thing you noticed that the children get right with each other.

Chapman and Deal point out something that is easy to miss. Stepsiblings often compete for a biological parent's time. Picture a girl who used to have her dad all to herself on visitation weekends. Now she shares him with a stepmother and the stepmother's children. Her frustration isn't just about noise or bedrooms. It is about loss. Deal says parents cannot make children love one another. What they can do is build a climate where friendliness is likely: expect kindness, correct unkindness, and show up for each child's events and birthdays. He does not ask for deep intimacy between stepsiblings. He notes that stepsiblings sometimes do adore each other, and that good and hard are often present at once.

Romans 12 reads like a plan for that kind of climate. "Let love be genuine." "Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor." Honor is something you can ask for, and kindness is a standard you can hold, without demanding that anyone feel warm. Then Paul gets practical: "Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another." Showing up at every child's birthday or game is rejoicing with those who rejoice. Noticing what each child has lost is weeping with those who weep. Both belong to a household that wants peace.

Chapman suggests a family conversation about the losses each person has already experienced, and about learning one another's love languages at an age-appropriate level. This takes care. A child's loss may be a parent's former home, a routine, a title in the family, or time alone with a parent. Don't hurry it, and don't ask a child to perform feelings. The two of you can start by talking about it privately first.

Correcting unkindness matters too. Paul says to "abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good." In a blended house, that means calmly stopping cruelty, whoever it comes from, while treating each child as a person with real grief. Fairness runs both ways: both biological children and stepchildren must be treated with equal firmness and equal warmth.

When you talk, one person answers fully while the other listens only to understand. Then switch. If these questions stir up pain from your own childhood or from the divorce or death behind your family, a pastor or counselor can help you work through it. If the conversation turns heated, pause and come back later. Pausing is not failure. A short, honest talk beats a long, rushed one. Close with a prayer if you both want it.