Chapter 1: Blending Well, Loving Well

Read Colossians 3:12-14 with the people in your home in mind. Paul was writing to a church made up of people who would not naturally share a table. In the verse just before this passage, he says that in Christ the old dividing lines don't get the last word. That makes this a good letter for a blended home, where people with different histories share one kitchen.

Chapman and Deal open their book by pointing out that each person in a stepfamily carries a different picture of love. They call these love associations: the behaviors and qualities a person connects with the word love. A stepchild may truly love a stepparent but show only the respect a student gives a teacher. A stepparent may care about every child in the house and still feel awkward hugging one of them. Nobody is faking. They are reading from different dictionaries.

The authors add that motivation is uneven too. Parents often want the family to blend quickly, because they are trying to repair what was lost. Children, and adult stepchildren, may not feel that need at all. The authors also separate insiders, who share biological ties, from outsiders, and they warn that a stepparent who chases a child's approval loses the strength to set limits.

Now look at how Paul answers that tension. He starts with identity: "as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved." Being loved comes before being loving. That order matters for the approval trap. If you need a child's affection to feel okay, you will bend rules to get it. Paul says elsewhere, in Galatians 1:10, that if he were still trying to please people he would not be a servant of Christ. Your standing with God is settled before anyone in the house warms up to you. That frees you to be kind and firm at the same time.

Then comes the list: compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, patience. And right after it, "bearing with one another." Bearing with is what you do when someone's picture of love doesn't match yours. Notice also the clothing language. "Put on" is something you choose each morning, whether or not you feel like it.

Finally, verse 14 says love "binds everything together in perfect harmony." Harmony is not everyone singing the same note. It is different notes that fit together. So the goal is not a house where everyone defines love the same way. It is a house where the different definitions are known, named and respected.

If any part of your family story includes harsh treatment or a parent who is hard to be near, bring that to a pastor, counselor or trusted friend. Bearing with someone never means staying close to someone who harms you.

Chapman and Deal give seven principles for loving well in a stepfamily. Rather than march through all seven, let's look at four of them through 1 John 4:7-12, because that passage sheds light on the whole list.

Start with the source. John writes, "love is from God." He adds that "In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us." This ties to the authors' last principle: put down guilt and remember where love comes from. Many stepparents feel guilty for not feeling more warmth toward a child. Many parents feel guilty about the losses their children have been through. Guilt tends to make us try to manufacture love by willpower. John points the other direction. Love is received first, then passed along. You don't have to produce it from nothing.

Second, patience on a long timeline. The authors use a slow-cooker picture, and Deal says merging a stepfamily typically takes five to seven years. That is a long time to hear "it's not working yet." He also says stepfamily life is like a different ocean from a first marriage: cooler, more loss, more hazards and murkier roles. If you expected a warm lake, the ocean will feel like failure. It isn't. It's just a different body of water. John's phrase "if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another" invites us to love the way God has loved us, which is steadily and without a rush.

Third, strengthen the marriage and parent as a team, playing to each other's strengths. The adult couple is the center that everything else leans on. That doesn't mean the children matter less. It means the children are safest when the two adults are on the same side.

Fourth, grieve losses well, and do not walk away too soon. These belong together. If losses are never named, they come out sideways as anger or distance, and then walking away looks tempting. John says, "if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us." Love that stays through awkward years is the kind that matures.

A word of care. If you're carrying heavy grief, or depression or numbness has set in, please talk to a pastor, counselor or trusted friend. And "do not walk away too soon" never means staying where you or your children are being harmed. Safety comes first.

Read Chapter 1 on your own first, each at your own pace. Then find a calm half hour together and open warm: each of you names one thing from the chapter that landed, or one thing you appreciate about how the other already loves this family. Do that before anything harder.

Chapman and Deal open with a stepfamily couple whose daily conflicts reveal a quiet problem: the people in one house don't mean the same thing by love. The authors call these love associations, the behaviors and qualities each person connects with love. A stepchild may truly love a stepparent but give only the respect a student owes a teacher. A stepparent may love every child in the home and still feel awkward hugging a stepchild. Nobody is faking. They are working from different dictionaries.

Paul gives you a place to stand. Colossians 3:12 says, "Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another." Two things stand out. First, the order. "Chosen ones, holy and beloved" comes before the clothing. You are loved before you perform. Second, "bearing with one another" only makes sense between people who differ. Paul expects a mixed household and tells them to carry each other's differences, not to wait until everyone defines love the same way. Then comes verse 14: "And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony." Love is what holds unlike people together.

That leads to the chapter's second idea, motivation. The authors separate insiders (those with biological ties) from outsiders. They also note that parents often want the family to blend quickly to repair what was lost, while children and adult stepchildren may not share that need. They warn that when a stepparent chases a child's approval, it weakens the ability to set limits. Here is our own take: if you need a child's smile to feel okay, every "no" costs too much. Colossians offers steadier ground. A person already called "beloved" by God can be kind and firm without waiting for a verdict from a child.

Deal compares stepfamily life to a different ocean from a first marriage: cooler, with more loss, more hazards, and murkier roles. If you have been grading yourselves against a first-marriage map, no wonder some days feel off.

A word on how to talk. One of you answers a question fully while the other only listens to understand. No rebutting, no fixing, no defending. Then switch. A real conversation that covers half the questions beats rushing through all of them. Some of this touches tender ground: past marriages, a child's hurt, who feels like an outsider. Lead with curiosity. If a question gets heated, pause and come back later. Pausing protects your marriage, and a pastor or counselor can help with whatever keeps running hot. Close by praying together if you both want to.

Same rhythm as before: read on your own, share one thing that landed, then take turns listening.

Chapter 1 ends with seven principles. Instead of marching through them, let's gather them around a question 1 John 4 answers: where does love come from, and how long does it take?

John says "love is from God," and then shows it: "In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins." God's love moved first and did not wait to be returned. That is a hard pattern for a stepparent, and a humbling one.

Patience on a long timeline. The authors describe a slow-cooker approach to blending and say Deal sees merging typically take five to seven years. A shared family identity is built over a journey, not announced at the wedding. If you are in year two and wondering what is wrong, the answer may be nothing.

The source of love. The final principle is to put down guilt and remember where love comes from. Guilt says, "I should feel more for these kids by now." John says love is from God, so you are not manufacturing it from scratch. "Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another." You draw on a supply you did not earn. Ask for it instead of punishing yourself.

Strengthening the marriage. John writes that "if we love one another, God abides in us." In your house, the nearest "one another" is the person across the table. Chapman and Deal treat the couple's bond as the base the rest is built on, which Chapter 4 returns to. Children borrow much of their sense of safety from watching it.

Parenting as a team. Here is an illustration of our own. One of you may be calm at bedtime while the other is better at paperwork or hard conversations. Rather than both doing everything half-heartedly, decide together who leads where.

Grieving losses. Every person in the house lost something: an earlier family shape, a home, time with a parent. The love John describes cost a Son. Naming losses out loud keeps them from going underground. If grief feels heavy or stuck, a pastor or counselor is a good person to bring in.

Not walking away too soon. The love in this passage stays. That is not the same as staying where you are being harmed. If there is abuse or danger, tell a pastor, counselor or trusted friend and get safe first. But the ordinary discouragement of year two is not a verdict.