Building Love Together in Blended Families

Read Colossians 3:12-14 with the people in your home in mind. Paul was writing to a church made up of people who would not naturally share a table. In the verse just before this passage, he says that in Christ the old dividing lines don't get the last word. That makes this a good letter for a blended home, where people with different histories share one kitchen.

Chapman and Deal open their book by pointing out that each person in a stepfamily carries a different picture of love. They call these love associations: the behaviors and qualities a person connects with the word love. A stepchild may truly love a stepparent but show only the respect a student gives a teacher. A stepparent may care about every child in the house and still feel awkward hugging one of them. Nobody is faking. They are reading from different dictionaries.

The authors add that motivation is uneven too. Parents often want the family to blend quickly, because they are trying to repair what was lost. Children, and adult stepchildren, may not feel that need at all. The authors also separate insiders, who share biological ties, from outsiders, and they warn that a stepparent who chases a child's approval loses the strength to set limits.

Now look at how Paul answers that tension. He starts with identity: "as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved." Being loved comes before being loving. That order matters for the approval trap. If you need a child's affection to feel okay, you will bend rules to get it. Paul says elsewhere, in Galatians 1:10, that if he were still trying to please people he would not be a servant of Christ. Your standing with God is settled before anyone in the house warms up to you. That frees you to be kind and firm at the same time.

Then comes the list: compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, patience. And right after it, "bearing with one another." Bearing with is what you do when someone's picture of love doesn't match yours. Notice also the clothing language. "Put on" is something you choose each morning, whether or not you feel like it.

Finally, verse 14 says love "binds everything together in perfect harmony." Harmony is not everyone singing the same note. It is different notes that fit together. So the goal is not a house where everyone defines love the same way. It is a house where the different definitions are known, named and respected.

If any part of your family story includes harsh treatment or a parent who is hard to be near, bring that to a pastor, counselor or trusted friend. Bearing with someone never means staying close to someone who harms you.

Read Chapter 1 on your own first, each at your own pace. Then find a calm half hour together and open warm: each of you names one thing from the chapter that landed, or one thing you appreciate about how the other already loves this family. Do that before anything harder.

Chapman and Deal open with a stepfamily couple whose daily conflicts reveal a quiet problem: the people in one house don't mean the same thing by love. The authors call these love associations, the behaviors and qualities each person connects with love. A stepchild may truly love a stepparent but give only the respect a student owes a teacher. A stepparent may love every child in the home and still feel awkward hugging a stepchild. Nobody is faking. They are working from different dictionaries.

Paul gives you a place to stand. Colossians 3:12 says, "Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another." Two things stand out. First, the order. "Chosen ones, holy and beloved" comes before the clothing. You are loved before you perform. Second, "bearing with one another" only makes sense between people who differ. Paul expects a mixed household and tells them to carry each other's differences, not to wait until everyone defines love the same way. Then comes verse 14: "And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony." Love is what holds unlike people together.

That leads to the chapter's second idea, motivation. The authors separate insiders (those with biological ties) from outsiders. They also note that parents often want the family to blend quickly to repair what was lost, while children and adult stepchildren may not share that need. They warn that when a stepparent chases a child's approval, it weakens the ability to set limits. Here is our own take: if you need a child's smile to feel okay, every "no" costs too much. Colossians offers steadier ground. A person already called "beloved" by God can be kind and firm without waiting for a verdict from a child.

Deal compares stepfamily life to a different ocean from a first marriage: cooler, with more loss, more hazards, and murkier roles. If you have been grading yourselves against a first-marriage map, no wonder some days feel off.

A word on how to talk. One of you answers a question fully while the other only listens to understand. No rebutting, no fixing, no defending. Then switch. A real conversation that covers half the questions beats rushing through all of them. Some of this touches tender ground: past marriages, a child's hurt, who feels like an outsider. Lead with curiosity. If a question gets heated, pause and come back later. Pausing protects your marriage, and a pastor or counselor can help with whatever keeps running hot. Close by praying together if you both want to.