Session 10 · Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
Anticipating What Will Change
Every season has its time, and every child needs a steady place to stand
Book reading: Chapter 8 (Anticipating What Will Change)
Read this on your own first, then come together and open with something good. In the questions, let one of you answer fully while the other listens only to understand, then trade. A real talk about one change beats a hurried tour of all of them. If any of this lights a fuse, pause and return later.
Chapter 8 prepares you for the many emotional and logistical changes that come after the wedding: daily routines, holidays, and where children primarily live. Deal describes it as a possible seismic shift. He warns that even changes people want can raise sadness over earlier changes they never wanted. His image is memorable: adding six inches of water to someone already up to their eyes. For a child, a small change can be the six inches.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 begins, "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven." Then it lists pairs: "a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance." The list does not say life is neat. It says that opposite things have their season, and sometimes they show up in the same week, even the same hour. A wedding might be a time to dance and a time to mourn for the same child.
Several lines speak to blended families. "A time to break down, and a time to build up." Old patterns may need to come down so new ones can go up, but building too fast can crush. "A time to keep, and a time to cast away." Some traditions, rooms, and routines are worth keeping for the children's sake. "A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing." Pay attention to timing with a child. Affection offered too early can feel like pressure.
Deal stresses that biological parents stay emotionally available to their children, and that visitation schedules remain consistent. When so much shifts, a child needs some steady ground. Your new marriage may take your attention, but your child still needs to know their mom or dad is there, and that their time with each parent is protected.
To count the cost, as Jesus describes in Luke 14:28-30, is to plan before building. Don't be blindsided, and don't minimize. Walk the whole house in your imagination: mornings, weekends, holidays, who lives where. Ask what each person gains and what each loses.
Seasons change, but you aren't alone in them. Talk to each other early, and talk to the children as well, in words they can handle.
Key idea
Plan for change with your eyes open. Take seriously the sadness that wanted changes can awaken, and protect steady ground for each child, especially by keeping parents emotionally available and schedules consistent.
Questions to consider
- Discussion (one speaks, one listens, then switch): Which change after the wedding do you feel most excited about, and which one do you dread? What past change does it remind you of?
- Discussion: Think about each child. What might feel like 'six more inches of water' for them? How can you keep the biological parent emotionally available and visitation steady while you adjust as a couple?
Journal prompt
Take turns. Each of you write: 'A change I am afraid I will minimize, or that might blindside us, is... and what I want us to do about it is...' Read each other's entries quietly and share what you noticed.
Practice
1. Make three short lists together (15 minutes total): daily routines, holidays, and living arrangements. 2. For each list, mark what will change and what will stay steady for each child. 3. Pick one change to talk about with the children this week, in words they can understand. 4. Close with a short prayer for patience as seasons shift, if you both want one.