Session 12 · Ruth 1:16-17
Till Death Do Us Part
Commit for the long road, and don't walk it alone
Book reading: Chapter 10 (Till Death Do Us Part)
This is the last session of the guide. Begin with the reading: Chapter 10, Till Death Do Us Part. Read it on your own first, then find a calm time to talk. Open warm. Each of you name one thing from this whole journey that you are grateful the other did or said.
Deal uses the pandemic and the idea of turning points to describe the long stepfamily journey and to give couples hope. The chapter includes sections on navigating a new normal and on reopening and keeping distance. It also stresses the couple's marital commitment and includes a reflection on what premarital counseling has shown will be required of you. And it urges you to find other blended couples, keep learning, and schedule check-ins at six months and one year.
Ruth gives us a picture of what commitment sounds like when the road is long. Her husband had died, and so had her sister-in-law's. Naomi, her mother-in-law, urged her to turn back (Ruth 1:8-15). Ruth refused: “Do not urge me to leave you or to return from following you. For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there will I be buried. May the LORD do so to me and more also if anything but death parts me from you.”
This was not a wedding vow. It was a loyal promise between a daughter-in-law and a mother-in-law. Still, look at its shape. It covers where you go, where you stay, who your people are and who your God is. It reaches all the way to death. And it comes out of grief, not out of a moment of romance. Ruth chose a person, a new family and a new home.
That is a good picture of what a blended marriage asks. You are not only joining each other. You are joining each other's people, places and histories, and the sad stories behind them. A feeling can't carry all that, but a decision can.
A commitment like this should never mean staying close to someone who harms you. If you are afraid of anyone in your life, talk to a pastor, counselor or trusted friend right away. And if grief from a past loss still feels heavy, bring that to one of them too.
Ruth also did not walk the road alone. The rest of her story is full of people who helped her and Naomi. Scripture says the same of marriage: two are better than one, and a cord of three strands is not quickly broken (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12). So plan for community. Find a couple who has walked this road. Keep learning, because wise people keep learning (Proverbs 1:5). Put the six-month and one-year check-ins on your calendar now, so that you never have to find the courage to start that talk later.
When you talk, one of you answers fully while the other only listens to understand. Then switch. Don't try to cover everything; a real conversation about a few questions is a good ending. If something stirs up conflict, pause and return to it later.
Close together, with a short prayer if you both want one. Thank God for each other, and ask him to hold you steady on the long road.
Key idea
A lasting blended marriage rests on a chosen, long-haul commitment, and it grows through community, continued learning and planned check-ins. Ruth's vow shows what that kind of choice sounds like.
Questions to consider
- Taking turns, with the other only listening to understand: what part of the long road ahead do you feel most hopeful about, and what part do you feel least ready for?
- Who could be your community of other blended couples or mentors? What would make it easier for you both to ask them for help before trouble comes, instead of after?
Journal prompt
Take turns writing, then reading aloud. Write a short letter to your spouse as if it were six months after the wedding. What do you hope you will be thanking them for? What do you hope you will have asked for help with?
Practice
Minimum dose, about 30 minutes this week: 1) Put a six-month check-in and a one-year check-in on your shared calendar. 2) Choose one blended couple, mentor or pastor trained in stepfamilies to contact this month, and decide who will make the call. 3) Pick one way to keep learning together, such as a book, group or class. 4) Each read your one-sentence commitment aloud. 5) Pray together if you both want to.