Chapter 5: Co-Creating Familyness: Deciding What to Call Each Other

Each of you, read this day on your own first. Then find a quiet half hour together. Open warm: each name one thing from the reading that landed well before you touch anything hard. When you get to the questions, let one of you answer fully while the other only listens to understand. No fixing, no rebutting, no defending. Then switch. A real conversation that covers half the questions beats a rushed one that covers them all.

Chapter 5 takes up a question that sounds small and isn't: what will we call each other? In Deal's framing, step-relationships are full of ambiguity. Nobody is quite sure what a stepparent is allowed to say or do, or what everyone is supposed to feel. So the chapter has you and the children talk about names and about how far each person's role extends. Deal notes that only about 30 percent of children ever call a stepparent Mom or Dad. The goal, he says, is mutual respect and care, not a label.

Romans 12:9-10 fits this well. Paul starts with "Let love be genuine." The word behind "genuine" carries the idea of love with no play-acting, no mask. Picture a child told on the wedding day to say "Mom" or "Dad" to someone they barely know. Whatever the word says, the child may learn that being loved means pretending. Genuine love lets a child be where they really are and keeps the door open.

Next comes "Love one another with brotherly affection." That is family warmth, and it grows over time. It gets built on ordinary days, not announced at a ceremony. Deal makes a related point in the book: stepchildren cannot be wished into loving a stepparent, and trust comes through time spent together. A name can follow a relationship. It can't manufacture one.

Then comes the line that may matter most for the other household: "Outdo one another in showing honor." Deal describes a no-threat message. A stepparent tells the same-sex biological parent, whom they respect, that they honor that parent's role and will not come between that parent and the children. This kind of honor isn't competition. It tells another adult, you are not being replaced. Deal encourages similar conversations with grandparents and other relatives, who may also wonder where they stand.

One caution. Paul also says, "Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good." Honoring a role does not mean excusing harm, and it never means staying close to someone who hurts you or your children. If the other household involves abuse or danger, talk with a pastor or counselor before you plan any message like this.

As a couple, decide what you hope the children will call you. Then hold that hope loosely. Ask each child what feels comfortable, and be ready to hear "first name for now." That answer can be a very good start.