Chapter 2: Seeing Is Eye-Opening: Drawing Your Blended Family Map

Deep water is hard to read from the surface. You can stand over a well and see nothing but dark. The water is there. You just need a rope, a bucket, and patience. Proverbs 20:5 says, "The purpose in a man's heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out." Notice the verb. The wise person draws, steadily, one bucket at a time. They do not dredge, and they do not try to empty the well in one afternoon.

Ron Deal asks couples to draw a Blended Family Map (there is an online version as well). Every family member goes on the page, and the lines between them are marked with the quality, or temperature, of each relationship. It sounds simple, but seeing is a kind of drawing out. What you have felt in a vague way becomes something you can point to. You might find that a relationship you assumed was fine looks cool on paper, or that a bond you worried about is warmer than you thought.

Deal uses the map to help couples see emotional triangles among the adults and children. Here is a general picture of one: two people have strain between them, and instead of working it out directly, one pulls a third person in. A child upset with a parent starts venting to a stepparent. A parent uneasy about an ex tells a child more than the child should carry. Triangles are rarely villainy. They happen because direct conversation is hard. Once you can see one on a page, you can ask which ones you would like to untie.

Then the map goes to the children. After drawing it, the parent talks with their kids, notices any hesitation they voice, and notices what fear that hesitation awakens in the parent. That second well matters. A child's uncertainty can sting, and a parent's fear may rush in with a thought like, "Am I going to have to choose?" Understanding, in Proverbs terms, means the parent draws up their own water first, so the fear does not answer the child before the child has finished speaking.

The map is also not a one-time exercise. Deal has couples return to it through the later chapters and ask how each child would describe their relationship with their parent since the new partner arrived. That is a good question to carry around. It is not "Do they like him?" It is "What has changed for them with me?"

A tender note. Drawing a map can stir old pain, such as a harsh or absent parent, abuse, or grief that still feels fresh. If that happens, slow down and do not carry it alone. A pastor or counselor can walk with you, and anything involving harm needs that kind of help. Pausing the exercise is wise, not weak, and you can come back another day.

For your talk this week, try something different. One of you is the asker and the other is the answerer. The asker uses only open questions like "Tell me more" and "What was that like?" and no advice. Then switch.