Session 2 · Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
Chapter 1: Not Just a Couple
You cannot yank a new strand into the cord
Book reading: Chapter 1 (Not Just a Couple)
Picture a braid made of three strands. Now picture someone who wants to add a fourth, stiff strand right away, so they yank it tight against the others. It does not blend in. It springs back, frays, and leaves the whole braid lumpy. A strand goes into a cord by being laid in gradually, over and under, a little at a time.
Hold that picture next to Ecclesiastes 4:9-12. "Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil." Notice the writer calls it toil. Partnership does not remove the work. It makes the work worth doing. Then comes the lift: "if they fall, one will lift up his fellow." Then warmth, then protection, and then the line most of us know: "a threefold cord is not quickly broken." The verse does not name the third strand. Many couples hear God in it, and that is a good hearing. For a stepfamily there is a second picture alongside it: the two of you may be a strong cord, but a family has more strands than two.
That is where Ron Deal begins. He argues that in a blended family, coupleness does not equal familyness. You have been busy falling in love, and that matters. But becoming a blended family involves far more than the two of you, and a strong marriage does not automatically produce a bonded household. So his book is built around Growing Activities, things you do that move toward bonding, not just talk about it.
He is direct about the stiff strand, too. A stepchild cannot be wished into loving a stepparent. Trust has to be built through interaction, with children included in the preparation when that is wise. In cord terms: you cannot pull a child's heart into place by force. Love grows when small shared moments are laid in over time, such as a meal, a game, or a ride to practice. Meanwhile the two of you have to be steady enough that the slower strands have something strong to be woven around.
Ecclesiastes also speaks to Deal's advice about a mentor. He recommends walking through the book with a mentor, coach, or pastor trained in stepfamilies. "Woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!" Some couples feel that asking for a guide means they are already failing. The verse says the opposite. Falling is expected. Being alone when you fall is the danger. Deal also points to research on premarital preparation, including about a 30 percent lower risk of divorce, and says couples need preparation designed for blended families. A guide who knows stepfamilies is part of that.
So two decisions are on the table. Would you invite a mentor, and who comes to mind? And which children, if any, should be part of the preparation, and in what ways? Neither needs a quick answer. A pastor or mentor can help you think about ages and readiness.
Key idea
In a blended family, a strong couple is only one strand of the cord. Bonding grows through shared interaction over time, not force, and a mentor who knows stepfamilies helps hold the couple steady.
Questions to consider
- Use the braid as a talking piece. Whoever holds it speaks and the other only listens to understand, then you pass it: Where do you feel strong as a couple, and where does the rest of the family feel furthest from bonded?
- Is there a mentor, coach, or pastor trained in stepfamilies you could invite to walk through this book with you? What makes that easy or hard for each of you?
- Which children might be part of your preparation, and what would a small, low-pressure way to include them look like?
Journal prompt
Take turns. Write about one moment when a child (yours or your partner's) let their guard down even a little. What was happening, and what small thing could you lay in again?
Practice
Dose: one small step toward each decision. 1) Write down the names of two possible mentors, coaches, or pastors, and contact one this week. 2) Choose one 20-minute, low-pressure activity that includes the children, such as a meal or a game, and put it on the calendar without forcing any talk about the marriage.