Chapter 4: Planning Your Wedding

Two small details in John 2 are easy to skim. The first is in verse 2: "Jesus also was invited to the wedding with his disciples." The second comes near the end. The master of the feast did not know where the wine came from, "though the servants who had drawn the water knew." Between those two details, the wine runs out, Jesus' mother tells him so, and the servants do what he says. They fill six stone jars to the brim, draw some out, and carry it to the master, who tastes it and tells the bridegroom he has kept the good wine until now.

Look at who knew. Not the master of the feast, not the bridegroom, not the guests, but the people who did the work. Those who took part saw what was really happening. Here is an application, not something John says: children who have a part in the day understand it from the inside. Ron Deal advises involving children in planning the wedding, because they usually want involvement, and the ceremony should honor the past and center on the family, not only the couple. He suggests a family meeting and designing the ceremony around four messages: the couple's union matters, each person's past matters, the expanding family matters, and each child matters.

Those can become four planning questions. How will the ceremony show that your union matters? How will it honor each person's past, including anyone who has been lost? How will it show the family is growing? And how will each child be a participant and not only an audience? Deal also notes that the backstory and the type of ceremony affect how children view the marriage. What does your story, and your kind of ceremony, say to them?

Now verse 11: "This, the first of his signs, Jesus did at Cana in Galilee, and manifested his glory. And his disciples believed in him." A sign points beyond itself. At Cana it points to Jesus. Your wedding will point somewhere too. Whatever you say and do will tell the people watching, children most of all, what kind of family this is going to be. You can invite Jesus into the center of the day, the way he was an invited guest at Cana.

Then there are the mixed emotions. Deal says a wedding can revive grief over the original loss, and that the day often brings sadness and joy together, even from people who approved of the marriage beforehand. Scripture has room for that. Romans 12:15 says to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep, and sometimes both happen in one person in one hour. A child may smile in the photos and cry in the car. Plan for it: a quiet place to step away, a moment with a grandparent, and permission to feel both. That is not failure.

Deal also says this chapter can be done at any point, depending on your wedding date. If the date is close, begin here soon. If it is far off, read it now and return as the day gets nearer.

If the wedding stirs up grief that feels heavier than you can carry, a pastor or counselor can help. And if you would like to close together with a short prayer, do. But if one of you is not ready to leave something hard, stay with it, and let the prayer wait.