Chapter 6: Parenting Together

Read this on your own first, then sit down together. Open by each naming one thing from the day that encouraged you. When you move into the questions, one of you speaks fully while the other listens only to understand. No rebutting and no fixing. Then trade places. Remember that short beats long: one honest conversation about one hot spot is worth more than a sprint through everything.

Chapter 6 covers the role of the biological parent, co-parenting across households, and moving the two of you toward a mutually agreed philosophy of parenting. In Deal's view, parenting issues are among the easiest ways to sabotage a stepcouple. Today you begin the first piece: naming roles and starting to agree on how you will parent.

Proverbs 15:22 says, "Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed." Notice what that assumes. A plan carried around silently in one person's head is not yet a plan for two people. Counsel means somebody talks and somebody listens. In your home, the first adviser is each other. A parenting philosophy only holds if both of you helped write it. Otherwise it is one person's preference with a second person's silence attached.

Then the verse widens: many advisers. The book encourages couples to walk through its material with a mentor, coach, or pastor trained in stepfamilies. A wise outside voice can name what you are too close to see.

Here is a practical starting point. The chapter suggests that your own hot spots set the order of your discussion, so begin where friction already lives. That might be bedtime, screens, chores, manners, or discipline. As you talk, name the roles clearly. What do you each believe a biological parent does? What do you each believe a stepparent does, and does not yet do? Don't assume you picture the same thing. Many couples find they have been agreeing out loud while imagining two different homes.

A mutually agreed philosophy also protects the children. They are quick to notice whether the adults are one team or two. When the couple has talked it through ahead of time, correction is less likely to feel like a power struggle.

Tender ground: one or both of you may carry memories of harsh or absent parenting, and those memories can heat up a parenting talk fast. Go slowly and lead with curiosity. If a question runs hot, it is good and right to pause and come back later. Nothing here is worth a bad night. A counselor can help with the parts that keep flaring.

You don't have to finish a philosophy today. You are starting a conversation that will keep going, and you are choosing to start it before a crisis forces it.

As before, read on your own first, then come together. Begin with something good: what encouraged or surprised you each? When you reach the questions, one person answers while the other listens only to understand, then switch. If anything today stirs up conflict, pause and come back later. That is wisdom, not failure.

The second half of Chapter 6 in Deal's book turns to co-parenting across households. It offers guidelines for co-parenting well, and five keys for parenting in a blended family. Read them together and mark which one feels hardest for you right now. This session's Scripture gives us a posture to bring to all of them.

James 1:19-20 says, "Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God." Look at the order. Hearing comes first. Speaking comes second, and slowly. Anger comes last, and slowest. Most of us live in the reverse order, especially when we're tired and a child is rolling their eyes.

Try it with a child. A stepchild snaps at dinner. Correcting quickly feels right, but the quick word often misses what is happening underneath. Hurt, loyalty to the other parent, or sadness may be driving the behavior. Listening first doesn't mean excusing. It means correction lands on what is true, not on a guess. James adds a warning worth repeating: human anger does not produce the righteousness God is after. A shouted correction might get compliance, but it doesn't grow the kind of heart you want.

Try it with each other. When one of you disagrees with how the other handled a moment, the old pattern is a fast defense. The James pattern is: tell me what you saw and what you were afraid of. Ask before you argue.

Try it across households. Handoffs, schedule changes, and different rules at each home can spark old anger. Being quick to hear means asking what the other parent's concern really is. Being slow to speak means thinking about what the children will overhear. Being slow to anger means choosing your battles.

One important boundary: being slow to anger never means staying within reach of someone who harms you or your children. If the other household involves abuse, threats, or intimidation, safety comes first. Rely on written communication, a counselor, a pastor, and legal help rather than trying to be patient face to face.

You are not aiming for perfect calm. You are aiming for a habit: hear first, then speak, then, if needed, correct.