Section 2, Chapter 7: Yellow Light. Red Light. Green Light.

Reading for today: Chapter 7, Yellow Light. Red Light. Green Light.

Proverbs 22:3 puts it simply: "The prudent sees danger and hides himself, but the simple go on and suffer for it." Two people see the same road. One notices the warning signs and adjusts. The other keeps going and pays for it. Notice that the proverb does not praise the person who never goes anywhere. It praises the person who pays attention.

Deal turns that kind of attention into a game most of us already know: the stoplight. A green light means keep moving forward. A yellow light means slow down and learn more. A red light means stop. The point is not to turn every date into an inspection. The point is to give yourself words for what you notice, so that feelings do not do all the talking.

Here is one example Deal gives. Suppose a date spends the whole evening dwelling on a former spouse. That is a yellow light. It may point to unresolved pain that still ties the person to the past. Yellow does not mean the person is bad. It means slow down and find out more. If bitterness keeps showing up, the yellow turns red. That fits what the Bible says about bitterness elsewhere. Ephesians 4:31 tells believers to put it away, because it does not stay put in one corner of a life.

Behind this is a deeper skill: listening for what a behavior reveals about the heart. Jesus said that a person's words flow out of what fills the heart. So listen past the topic to the tone. Is there grief that is healing, or anger that is still running? Deal also encourages asking how the former marriage ended, and what emotional residue remains. And watch how the person treats your children. Do they pay attention to your kids? Would your family actually work with this person? A partner can be wonderful with you and a poor fit for your household.

A fair warning: the lights apply to you too. Take an honest look at which of your own behaviors might look yellow to someone else. Someone who is grieving a death, for example, may talk about their late spouse for a good reason, and that is a reason to listen kindly, not to rush to judge.

One serious note. If a red light involves control, cruelty, intimidation, or anything that makes you or your children afraid, wisdom does not say stay and be patient. Gentleness and forgiveness never require you to stay near someone who harms you. Talk with a pastor, counselor, or trusted friend right away.