Independent reader · Session 1 of 12
Dating in a Crowd: Dating With Purpose
Luke 14:28-30
When you date, your whole family is in the room.
Book reading
Chapter 1: Dating in a Crowd: Dating With Purpose
Jesus tells a short story about a man who wants to build a tower. In its setting, Jesus is talking to crowds about the cost of following him. So this story is first about discipleship, not dating. Still, the plain wisdom in it applies well beyond that. "For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it?" Smart people plan before they build. Jesus adds what happens to those who skip the planning: they lay a foundation and cannot finish, and everyone who sees it laughs. For a single parent, the stakes are much higher than embarrassment. Real children live in whatever gets built.
That is where Deal begins. He argues that when you are a single parent, the whole family is in the dating process. A relationship is forming a couple and possibly a family at the same time. He separates two ideas. "Coupleness" is how well the two adults fit. "Familyness" is how well this person and your children might fit. In his view, a partner who suits you but not your children may be ruled out. Both questions belong in dating from the start, not just the first one.
Counting the cost means asking questions the butterflies skip. Does this person show real patience and kindness with kids? Do I know what I am building toward? The Bible treats this kind of slow planning as wisdom. Proverbs 24:3-4 says a house is built by wisdom and made firm by understanding. Foundations come before furniture.
Deal also pushes on purpose. He argues the goal of dating or remarriage is a companion for life under God. It is not to replace a parent who died or left, and it is not to hand your children another parent. That is a useful correction. If you aim at fixing a hole in your family, you will probably choose for the wrong reasons. If you aim at a lifelong partnership shaped by God, you will ask better questions.
He also presents staying single while you raise children as a legitimate path, one that can involve real sacrifice. Paul agrees that singleness is not a failure. In 1 Corinthians 7:7, he says each person has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another. And Psalm 68:5 calls God a father to the fatherless and a defender of widows. Your children's needs were never meant to depend on you finding a stand-in.
So before you picture the building, sit down, as Jesus says, and count. What is the purpose here? Who else will live in this house? You are not being cold. You are being careful with people you love.
Key idea
For a single parent, dating involves both coupleness and familyness, and the purpose is a lifelong companion under God, not a replacement parent.
Questions to consider
- In your own words, what is the difference between asking "Do we fit as a couple?" and "Would this person fit with my children?" Which question have you been quicker to ask?
- What purpose do you want behind any future dating? Is any part of that purpose about filling a gap for you or for your children?
Journal prompt
Write a short "cost list" for dating as a parent: time, emotions, your children's hearts, and your own peace. What would it cost you if this went wrong, and what would it cost the kids?
Practice
1. Set a timer for 10 minutes. 2. Write one sentence that states your purpose for dating (or for staying single for now). 3. Underneath, write two questions: one about coupleness and one about familyness. Keep the page where you will see it again.