Section 1, Chapter 1: Dating in a Crowd: Dating With Purpose · Section 3, Chapter 9: Re-Engage? Decisions About Marriage · Section 3, Chapter 10: Preparing for a Good Blend

Jesus tells a short story about a man who wants to build a tower. In its setting, Jesus is talking to crowds about the cost of following him. So this story is first about discipleship, not dating. Still, the plain wisdom in it applies well beyond that. "For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it?" Smart people plan before they build. Jesus adds what happens to those who skip the planning: they lay a foundation and cannot finish, and everyone who sees it laughs. For a single parent, the stakes are much higher than embarrassment. Real children live in whatever gets built.

That is where Deal begins. He argues that when you are a single parent, the whole family is in the dating process. A relationship is forming a couple and possibly a family at the same time. He separates two ideas. "Coupleness" is how well the two adults fit. "Familyness" is how well this person and your children might fit. In his view, a partner who suits you but not your children may be ruled out. Both questions belong in dating from the start, not just the first one.

Counting the cost means asking questions the butterflies skip. Does this person show real patience and kindness with kids? Do I know what I am building toward? The Bible treats this kind of slow planning as wisdom. Proverbs 24:3-4 says a house is built by wisdom and made firm by understanding. Foundations come before furniture.

Deal also pushes on purpose. He argues the goal of dating or remarriage is a companion for life under God. It is not to replace a parent who died or left, and it is not to hand your children another parent. That is a useful correction. If you aim at fixing a hole in your family, you will probably choose for the wrong reasons. If you aim at a lifelong partnership shaped by God, you will ask better questions.

He also presents staying single while you raise children as a legitimate path, one that can involve real sacrifice. Paul agrees that singleness is not a failure. In 1 Corinthians 7:7, he says each person has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another. And Psalm 68:5 calls God a father to the fatherless and a defender of widows. Your children's needs were never meant to depend on you finding a stand-in.

So before you picture the building, sit down, as Jesus says, and count. What is the purpose here? Who else will live in this house? You are not being cold. You are being careful with people you love.

Reading for today: Chapter 9, Re-Engage? Decisions About Marriage.

Proverbs 24:3-4 says, "By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches." In Proverbs, a house often means a household, not just a building. The verse says a good household is built, and built carefully, with wisdom, understanding, and knowledge. It does not say a home is built by good feelings.

That is close to Deal's main warning in this chapter: being a good couple does not guarantee being a good family. Two people can be happy together on dates and still struggle to create a home that works for everyone in it. Deal says the warmth before a wedding is a poor forecast of home life afterward. Premarital satisfaction explains only part of later marital satisfaction. And time spent dating is a poor measure of quality. A long courtship can still leave big questions unanswered.

This is why Deal separates two questions. The first: are the two of you ready to marry? The second: is the family ready? These may not have the same answer on the same day. A couple's readiness to marry may run ahead of the children's. Deal does not say the children get to decide. He says the decision should consider the children without being made for them. That balance matters. Children are not afterthoughts, and they are not the ones who hold the keys. The adults make the choice, and they make it with their eyes open to how the children are doing.

Why wait? Deal notes that a rushed marriage can meet resistance from children. He offers an example of a couple who wish they had waited longer. Their story is a reminder that waiting is not wasted time. It is time for the family to catch up.

Now look at verses 5-6: "A wise man is full of strength... for by wise guidance you can wage your war, and in abundance of counselors there is victory." Marriage with children is not a decision to make alone. Invite counselors, mature friends, a pastor, and perhaps a premarital counselor who understands blended families. Ask them to tell you what they see, including things you may not want to hear.

Loneliness can make a decision feel urgent. Wisdom makes it feel serious. Build the house with understanding, and let the people who love you check your work.

Paul wrote Colossians to a church full of people who didn't naturally belong together. His instructions for that mixed household are interesting. He doesn't say, "Feel harmony." He says to get dressed. "Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience." Those are things you choose and practice, like putting on clothes each morning. Blending a family works the same way. It is built by daily choices, not only by good feelings.

This chapter of Deal's book speaks to a couple whose relationship is heading toward marriage. In his framing, the couple keeps deepening their bond while still tending the children. He also covers ways to share news of an engagement and how to prepare for blended family life after the wedding. One idea stands out. He says successful blended couples work harder at learning how stepfamilies function. In other words, they take the posture of a learner.

That posture is what Paul calls humility. A humble couple doesn't assume love and good intentions will cover everything. They say, "We don't know how this works yet, so let's find out." That might mean reading, asking people a few years ahead of you, or sitting down with a counselor who knows stepfamilies. Proverbs 24:3-4 says a house is built by wisdom and established by understanding. Learning is part of the construction.

Notice, too, that Paul expects friction. He writes about "bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other." Healthy households are not complaint-free. They are places where complaints get handled with forgiveness. A learner expects bumps in a blended home and doesn't read each one as proof the marriage was a mistake.

Then there is patience, which the chapter applies to the children. Deal describes the future stepparent as investing intentional time with the children over months. Think of it as courting the kids' trust alongside courting their parent. An engagement ring doesn't hand anyone a bond with a child. Kindness and patience build it slowly, usually in small, ordinary moments, and at the child's pace rather than the couple's calendar. If you are the parent, that also means not asking the children to be fine just because you are happy.

How you share an engagement matters for the same reason. The children are not an audience for a finished plan. They are people whose lives are about to change, so they deserve thoughtful timing and a chance to respond.

Paul adds two more things. "And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony." A blended family has many pieces that don't fit on their own. Love is what holds them together. And "let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts." Let that peace, not loneliness or pressure or a wedding date, have the deciding voice. Then, "be thankful." Gratitude keeps a learner's heart soft.

If a child's grief over a death or divorce seems heavy as marriage nears, talk with a pastor or a counselor who understands stepfamilies. That is wisdom, not failure.

This is the last session, so let's gather what the book has put on the table. Deal begins with the point that for a single parent, the whole family is in the dating process. A relationship forms a couple and possibly a family at once. So he separates coupleness from familyness. A partner who suits you but not your children may not be the right partner. He also says the goal is a companion for life under God, not a replacement for a lost parent or another parent for the kids. He treats staying single while raising children as a legitimate path too.

Later, on marriage decisions, he argues that being a good couple doesn't guarantee being a good family. Warmth before the wedding is a poor forecast of home life afterward. The time you've spent dating is a poor measure of quality. Your readiness to marry may not match your children's. The children should be considered in the decision without being the ones who make it. Then, in the chapter on blending, he turns to preparation: a learner's posture and slow, intentional time between a future stepparent and the kids.

That is a lot to carry. James offers a simple place to take it. "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him." Two things in that verse help. God gives generously, so you aren't pulling wisdom out of a stingy hand. And he gives "without reproach," which means he doesn't scold you for needing it. You can come with your confusion, your loneliness, your fear about the kids, and your mistakes, and still ask.

Then comes the condition: "let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind." The picture is of someone pushed around by every new feeling or opinion. That is a risk in dating, where loneliness, a charming moment, or a friend's pressure can swing you back and forth. Asking in faith means trusting that God is good and will answer, then letting that trust steady you. It doesn't require you to feel zero doubt.

So choose one step. It might be a step toward wise dating: a talk with your children, a pause to examine your motives, or a hard look at whether this person fits your family as well as you. It might be a step toward waiting, either for now or for a long season. It might be slowing an engagement so the children can catch up. Either way, make the step small and specific.

Then name one person who will hold you accountable. Proverbs 15:22 says plans fail without counsel and succeed with many advisers. Choose someone who loves God, knows your situation, and will tell you the truth even when it is inconvenient. If you've been through abuse or a deep wound, bring a pastor or counselor into that circle too. And if anyone's behavior frightens or harms you or your children, wisdom means creating distance and getting help, not staying close in the name of patience.