Section 1, Chapter 5: Kid Fears and Dating Considerations · Section 2, Chapter 8: Going Deeper

In Mark 10, people bring children to Jesus so he can touch them, and the disciples scold them. Mark says Jesus was "indignant." That is a strong word for him. He says, "Let the children come to me; do not hinder them." Then he takes them in his arms and blesses them. Children are not interruptions to the real work. They are welcome, and he moves toward them, not away.

That is a good picture of the posture Deal urges toward your children during dating. He says children commonly feel insecure about a new person in a parent's life. They may fear losing you, changing schools or homes, or hurting their other parent's feelings. That last fear can create a loyalty conflict, a tug between two people they love. Deal notes that it often shows up as hot-and-cold reactions to a dating partner: warm one week, distant the next. Confusing behavior like that often points to a confused heart.

His advice is to name and validate those fears without caving. You might say, "I wonder if you are worried that I will not have time for you." That label can bring relief all by itself. Validating a fear does not mean you give in to it. You are saying, "I see you, and you matter," not, "I will stop living my life."

Deal adds a few more points. Children under about five bond quickly, so a new adult can become important to them fast. That is another reason to be careful about who is around. He also says to pace and balance your time with a dating partner so children do not feel replaced. And with teens and adult children, he suggests soft invitations instead of pressure, such as an easy chance to join something, with real freedom to say no.

Jesus models this. He pays attention, he welcomes, and he does not make children earn his time. When we guard our children's place in our attention, we give them a small taste of that welcome.

If your child's fears are tangled up with an unsafe or harmful situation involving the other parent or anyone else, please talk with a pastor or counselor about how to protect them. A child's loyalty never means they must stay near someone who hurts them.

As you move forward, picture yourself as the one who holds the door open. Keep the children close, keep your word, and let them know that no new relationship takes their seat.

Reading for today: Chapter 8, Going Deeper.

Song of Solomon 8:4 is a short, serious line: "I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases." To adjure someone is to charge them solemnly, like a promise made under oath. The same charge appears earlier in the Song, which tells you the speaker means it. Love is strong and good, and it has its own timing. It is not something to force before its time.

That is a helpful backdrop for Deal's chapter on deepening a relationship. As a relationship grows, he says, the two of you should define it. What are we? Where are we heading? What do we expect from each other? Vague relationships leave room for hurt, and when children are involved, the hurt reaches more people. Jesus' simple line that your yes should be yes and your no, no gives the spirit of this: say plainly where you stand.

Deal also points to boundaries about the partner's role with your children, including discipline. This matters because a dating partner can slide into a parent-like role before anyone has agreed to it. Scripture gives parents the main job of teaching and training their children. Talking out in advance what a partner's role is, and is not, protects the children from confusion and protects the relationship from resentment.

A third idea is about contact with the children. Deal suggests moving a partner gradually toward more time with them, not all at once. Think of it as stepping into deeper water, not diving off the dock. Each step lets you see how everyone is handling it.

Two cautions from Deal are worth sitting with. Couples who break up during courtship tend to have more difficulty later, so a breakup is not a simple reset. And a long dating period does not by itself mean a high-quality relationship. Time on the calendar is not the same as depth. Luke 14:28 asks anyone building something to sit down and count the cost first. That is not cold. It is a way of loving everyone involved.

If you feel pushed to move faster than you are ready, whether by your own loneliness or by a partner's pressure, treat that as worth noticing. Talk it over with a pastor, counselor, or friend you trust. Waiting until love is ready is not a failure of faith. Song of Solomon treats it as wisdom.

Reading for today: Chapter 5, Kid Fears and Dating Considerations, and a second look at Chapter 8, Going Deeper.

Proverbs 14:15 says, "The simple believes everything, but the prudent gives thought to his steps." Many single parents feel pressure when it comes to introductions: when should my children meet the person I am dating? The proverb does not give a date on the calendar. It gives a posture. Think about each step. Do not simply take it because the moment seems to call for it.

Deal's reading of children helps you think. He says children commonly feel insecure about a new person in a parent's life. They may fear losing their parent, or having to change schools or homes. They may worry about hurting their other parent's feelings, which creates loyalty conflicts. That is why children often react hot and cold. A child can be warm to your date on Saturday and cold on Sunday. That is not necessarily rudeness. Often it is a child trying to hold several fears and loyalties at once.

Deal's advice is to name and validate those fears without caving in. You might say, "It makes sense that you would feel worried about this. I am not going anywhere." That is naming. But you do not hand the steering wheel to a child's fear. The parent is still the parent. Isaiah 40:11 pictures a shepherd who gently leads those that are with young. Gentle leading still leads.

Genesis 33 offers a small picture too. Jacob chose to travel at a slower pace so the little ones would not be overdriven. Pace is a way of caring for children.

Deal also notes that children under about five bond quickly. That is good news and a caution. A young child may attach fast to someone who may not stay, so thought is needed about who gets introduced and how. With teens and adult children, he suggests soft invitations, not demands. Offer a chance to join, and let them respond.

Finally, balance your time. Pace and balance mean that your children should not feel replaced. Protect your one-on-one time with them even as the relationship grows. This ties back to Chapter 8's idea of moving a partner gradually toward more contact with the children. The aim is steady, observed steps, not a sudden merge.

If a child's reactions are intense, or if the child's other parent is harsh or absent in ways that complicate things, a counselor or pastor can help. You do not have to read your children's hearts alone.