For Women Only

Proverbs 20:5 says, "The purpose in a man's heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out." Notice what the verse leaves out. It never says the water is missing. It never says the man is shallow or hiding something shameful. The water is real, and it is deep. The second half doesn't send the wise person to dig, pry or lecture. It says to draw it out.

Here is a picture of my own, not the verse's: a well and a bucket. A bucket goes down slowly, waits, and comes up a little at a time. Nobody pries open a well. If you have ever felt shut out by a man you love, the verse offers a different goal than cracking him open. It asks you to get good at drawing.

Feldhahn's book starts in an unlikely place. In her telling, she was writing a novel and had to put a male character's thoughts on the page. That led her to interview her husband, and then thousands of men of every age, background and walk of life. What stood out was how alike their deep daily fears, needs and thought patterns were. She also found that much of what puzzles women is something men wish they could explain. Her central claim is hopeful: most relationship friction comes from simple not-knowing, not from problems that can't be solved. She gives one example. Hearing that men are "visual" is one thing, and knowing what that means in everyday life is another. A vague label is not understanding. This revised edition adds newer research, brain science and a new chapter called The Thinker. She aims the book at romantic relationships, and says it also helps with sons and colleagues, so a daughter, sister or friend of a father or brother can read along too.

Now bring it home. Not-knowing can be fixed, but guessing makes it worse. Proverbs 18:13 warns, in paraphrase, that answering before you have heard is folly and shame. Most of us fill silence with a theory: he's bored, he's annoyed, he doesn't care. A theory feels like understanding, but it is a guess wearing a confident face. Drawing out means trading the theory for a curious question. Ask it when he isn't cornered, and in a tone that says "I want to know" instead of "explain yourself."

One honest limit: the book's patterns come from many men, and the man in your life is one man. Use the book to ask better questions, not to hand him a verdict. He is the only one who can tell you what is actually in his well.