Chapter 2: Your Love Is Not Enough · Chapter 3: The Performance of a Lifetime · Chapter 10: Words for Your Heart

Ephesians 5:33 puts two commands side by side: "However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband." Start with the part that is easy to skip. The verse asks the husband to love, and to love her as himself. Nothing here lets him off the hook, and nothing in today's session is a scorecard on him. We are looking at the second half of the verse because that is where Feldhahn's chapter focuses.

In her survey and interviews, men on the whole ranked feeling respected and trusted above feeling adored. She describes a retreat exercise in which nearly all the men would rather feel alone and unloved than inadequate and disrespected, while most women chose the opposite. Her point is that a wife can express love constantly and still communicate disrespect, through public teasing, second-guessing decisions or signaling distrust. She says this often happens without the wife realizing it, and that it leaves a husband feeling unloved.

Here is a moment of my own to picture. A couple pulls into an unfamiliar parking lot. He chose the route. From the passenger seat she asks, warmly, "Are you sure this is the right way?" She means nothing by it. He says, "Yep." Nothing blows up. But if that question is the fifth of its kind this month, he may hear something her words never said: I don't think you can get us there. A small habit can carry a message much bigger than any single sentence.

Look at the verse's wording again: "let the wife see that she respects her husband." The phrase "see that" is the language of paying attention, the way you check the stove before leaving the house. Respect isn't only a feeling you have somewhere inside. It is something you watch over: your tone, your jokes at the dinner table, whether you let him make a call without a running commentary.

A trusting response doesn't have to be dramatic. It can be a short sentence like "I trust your call." It can be letting a small decision stand. It can be saving the teasing for when he is out of earshot, and making it praise.

One careful word. Respect is not silence about real harm. Ephesians asks the husband to love, and love does not cut, control or frighten. If the man in your life is cruel, controlling or unsafe, respect never means staying near someone who harms you. Please talk with a pastor, a counselor or a trusted friend. If you are reading this for a father, brother or son, the same idea applies in other clothes: honor shows up in how you speak to and about him in front of other people.

Picture a husband walking in after a hard day. Someone asks how it went, and he says, "I'm fine," in a steady voice. The steadiness is real, but it is also built, the way scaffolding is built. Scaffolding goes up around a building while the real work is still going on, and no one mistakes it for the finished structure. Feldhahn's chapter suggests that many men live in the scaffolding.

She argues that many men who look confident are quietly unsure and feel as if they are performing. To illustrate, she uses a television scene in which a captain projects a certainty he does not have. Her advice runs against a common assumption. Rather than treating men as having inflated egos that need deflating, she urges wives to build a steady habit of affirmation, because many men start from a low baseline. She also ties this sense of never quite being enough to Genesis 3, which associates the man's work with toil.

Now listen to Paul's wording in 1 Thessalonians 5:11: "Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing." Two things stand out. First, "build one another up" is construction language, and it fits the scaffolding picture well. Encouragement isn't decoration. It is part of the structure that holds a person up while his work goes on. Second, "just as you are doing" tells us these believers were already doing it. Encouragement here is a habit that gets continued, not a one-time repair after a bad week.

That changes what you are aiming at. A single big speech on your anniversary is nice, but a steady drip of small, true words is what builds. If he has been quietly wondering whether he is enough, a sentence like "I noticed how patiently you handled that" lands in a place that praise for his cooking never reaches.

A few guardrails. Encouragement has to be true, or it turns into flattery, and he will feel the difference. Praise character and effort, not only results. And keep it free of a "but" attached to the end, because correction tacked onto praise cancels it.

One caution about care. A man who carries an unspoken weight of inadequacy is different from a man who is persistently hopeless, numb or pulling away from everything. If that is what you see, your words alone are not enough, and that is not a failure on your part. Encourage him gently to talk with a pastor or a counselor, and lean on a trusted friend yourself.

After chapters on respect, insecurity, thinking, pressure, intimacy, eyes, romance and appearance, the book's closing chapter turns toward good news. Feldhahn reports that when she asked men what one thing they most wished their wife understood, the top answer by a wide margin was how deeply they love her.

Take a moment with that. Not how hard they work, not how much they need, but how deeply they love. If you have spent these sessions learning about the man in your life, this may be the most important thing the book says: underneath the silence, the clumsiness, the pressure and the performance, there may be a love that is bigger than he can say.

But love that is never put into words can be hard to hear. That is where Paul's instruction in Ephesians comes in: "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear." The word behind "corrupting" pictures something rotten, like spoiled fruit. Paul says words can spoil, or they can build. Notice the phrase "as fits the occasion." Good words are not generic. They are the right ones for the moment, and they give grace to the person hearing them.

That gives us two moves.

First, find a way to hear his love. He may say it plainly, or he may say it in ways that don't sound like your words: fixing the car, picking up the kids, coming home. Ask him, gently, to tell you what he feels about you. You might say, "I'd love to hear in words what I mean to you." Be ready for a short, awkward answer, and receive it kindly. Teasing him for a clumsy attempt, as Day 8 reminded us, may close the door.

Second, say it back in words that build. A sentence like "I know you love me, and I'm grateful" can give grace to the one who hears. So can naming a specific thing: "I noticed how hard you worked this week, and it matters to me." Words that fit the occasion are more powerful than a general compliment.

A caution: if the words in your home are cruel, controlling or frightening, this passage is not asking you to absorb them quietly. A pastor, counselor or trusted friend can help you find safety and support.

For most marriages, though, the work is small and daily: choose the sentence that builds. The man you have been learning about may love you far more deeply than you knew. Let that settle in, and let your words give grace.

You have come a long way through this book, so today is about choosing one small thing and doing it. Go back to three pieces of the reading: Chapter 2 on respect, Chapter 3 on the quiet insecurity behind a confident face, and Chapter 10 on what men most want their wives to know. Then read one verse slowly: "Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body."

Honey is a good picture because it is small, simple and sweet. You do not need a speech. A spoonful is enough, and it helps most when it is steady. The verse also says gracious words reach both the soul and the body. They do real good to the whole person.

Now think about what the book says about him. In Feldhahn's findings, men on the whole ranked feeling respected and trusted above feeling adored. She argues that a wife can show love all day and still send a different message through public teasing, second-guessing his decisions, or signs that she does not trust him. Chapter 3 adds that many men who look sure of themselves feel like they are performing, and many start with a low baseline of confidence. That is why she urges a steady habit of affirmation rather than an occasional big compliment.

The Bible fits this. Ephesians 5:33 asks a wife to respect her husband, and it is stated plainly, as something to do. Proverbs 31:11 describes a husband whose heart trusts his wife. Trust is something she can build up or wear down with what she says. Genesis 3:17-19 describes work turning into toil after the fall, which helps explain why a man can feel that he is never quite enough. Your words can be a small relief in that hard ground.

Then Chapter 10 turns the book toward good news. Feldhahn reports that when she asked men what one thing they most wished their wives understood, the top answer by a wide margin was how deeply they love her. Notice what that does. Respect is not a trade for his love. It is a response to a love that may already be there, even if he is clumsy at saying it. Gracious words can be given from that confidence.

One caution. These are findings about men in general, and your man is one man. So the best step is not to guess. Pick one habit, such as a private word of thanks, trusting a decision without comment, or keeping your teasing for private moments. Then ask him which one would help most.

If you live with someone who is harsh, controlling or unsafe, respect never means staying silent or staying close to harm. Please talk with a pastor, counselor or trusted friend about what is happening.

This is the last session of the guide. The book gave you things to notice. Now you get a month to practice them.