Meet Your Ex-Husband-in-Law: Friend or Foe?

Read Chapter 8, “Meet Your Ex-Husband-in-Law: Friend or Foe?” Deal considers a stepdad’s relationship with his wife’s ex-husband and the way that person’s conduct can affect the family. Romans 12 offers a demanding guide for responding to conflict: refuse revenge, seek peace as far as it depends on you, and overcome evil with good. Respect does not require pretending that every action is acceptable.

Paul’s words begin with blessing and empathy. He asks believers to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep. In a family with more than one household, children may carry feelings and loyalties adults do not fully see. A stepdad can make room for a child’s relationship with their other father without competing for affection or asking the child to take sides. That is one way to care about the child’s interests.

The passage also says, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” Those words hold both effort and limits. You are responsible for your own speech, choices, and boundaries. You cannot make another adult act well. Peace may mean a respectful message about a schedule or a brief, calm exchange at a handoff. It may also mean keeping communication focused, using agreed channels, or asking your spouse to handle a conversation that becomes hostile.

Paul says not to repay evil for evil. That rules out using insults, threats, or the children as a way to get even. It does not ask you to accept unsafe behavior or remove reasonable protections. Boundaries can help keep contact clear and reduce conflict. If you are uncertain how to handle a serious or repeated problem, seek wise guidance from a trusted pastor, counselor, or qualified professional.

Respect can be shown in small choices. Do not mock the other father in front of the children. Avoid turning ordinary differences into a competition over who is the “real” parent. When the children share good news about him, listen without making them defend their happiness. If a disagreement needs attention, address the specific issue calmly with your spouse and decide what response is appropriate.

The image of feeding an enemy who is hungry is not a trick for making someone feel guilty. It is a call to answer hostility with goodness rather than becoming hostile in return. Goodness can be firm. It can include a clear limit stated without cruelty. The aim is not to win the family story or earn praise; it is to keep your own conduct shaped by what is honorable.

This work may not be noticed or returned. Romans still calls you to do what is yours to do and leave judgment with God. A respectful stepdad protects the children from adult rivalry where possible, honors the other father’s place, and keeps boundaries that support the family’s wellbeing. Peace grows through steady, truthful choices, even when you cannot control the other person’s response.

Read Chapter 8: Meet Your Ex-Husband-in-Law: Friend or Foe?

Ron L. Deal’s Chapter 8 considers a stepdad’s relationship with his wife’s former husband and how that man’s conduct can affect the family. Romans 12 gives you a way to meet tension with respect and self-control, without pretending that every relationship is easy or safe.

Paul’s instructions are demanding: don’t repay harm with harm; seek peace as far as it depends on you; leave vengeance to God. That is not a command to approve of bad behavior or to give someone unlimited access to your home and family. It calls you to take responsibility for your own response. You can speak honestly, set a limit, and refuse to turn the children into weapons in an adult conflict.

For a man who wants to protect his family, anger can feel like strength. Sometimes courage does mean naming a problem and acting to keep people safe. But Romans 12 warns against letting another person’s actions decide the kind of man you become. Retaliation may feel like control, yet it can deepen the conflict the children have to live around. Respect can look like keeping your word, speaking without insults, and making practical arrangements through calm, clear communication. Boundaries can also be respectful: they state what contact or behavior is workable and what you will do if a limit is crossed.

Paul’s phrase “if possible, so far as it depends on you” leaves room for the fact that peace takes more than one person. You are responsible for your part, not for controlling the other father’s choices. You can offer a peaceful path and still recognize when direct contact is not wise. If there is a safety concern, involve your wife and appropriate trusted help rather than handling it alone. Children should not have to carry messages or judge which adult is right.

Consider what the children see when you talk about their father. You do not have to hide real concerns, but you can describe specific behavior without attacking his worth as a person. That gives the kids room to love their father while also trusting you to be steady. Your calling is not to win a contest for their loyalty. It is to act with integrity, protect what needs protecting, and leave room for God to judge what is beyond your reach.

Today, identify one point of friction and decide on a response that is both firm and honorable. Ask your wife what boundary would help the family and how the two of you can communicate it consistently. Then choose one action that lowers the temperature without surrendering a necessary limit. Over time, steady conduct can speak more clearly than a sharp comeback.