Understanding Her Kids (Part 2): Loyalty

Read Ephesians 6:1-4. Paul speaks to children about obeying and honoring their parents, then turns to fathers with a warning: do not provoke children to anger; bring them up with the Lord’s discipline and instruction. The passage holds responsibility on both sides. Children are addressed as people who can hear instruction. Adults are reminded that authority must not become a way to wear a child down.

Chapter 4 of The Smart Stepdad considers children’s loyalty. Deal describes a child’s primary loyalty to biological family as expected and contrasts it with a stepdad’s wish for exclusive loyalty. That wish can grow out of a desire to belong, but a child should not have to prove belonging by rejecting a parent. Love for one person does not erase love for another.

Ephesians does not tell stepfamilies how every household should divide parental roles. It does give adults a useful check: are we raising children with care, or provoking them by demanding they carry our insecurity? A child who speaks warmly about a biological parent may stir up complicated feelings. You can notice those feelings and talk them through with another adult. The child should not have to hide a relationship or reassure you that you matter.

Honor and obedience can be discussed without setting up a competition. A stepdad may offer guidance and take part in family rules, especially when he and his spouse have agreed on how to handle them. But pushing a child to use a certain name, show affection, or declare one adult more important can make closeness feel like a test. A steadier path is to be consistent, respectful, and clear about expectations while leaving room for the child’s attachments.

Paul’s warning to fathers also matters when correcting a child. Correction should teach, protect, and help a child grow. If an adult is angry, it may be wise to pause and let the spouse take the lead, particularly when a child’s loyalty is involved. Discuss disagreements privately so the child is not made to referee adult relationships. Then explain the shared rule calmly and apply it fairly.

This kind of patience does not mean allowing harmful behavior or avoiding necessary boundaries. It means setting boundaries without asking children to manage adult feelings. If you feel jealous, left out, or unsure of your role, bring that honestly to your spouse or a trusted counselor rather than placing it on a child. You can offer a safe relationship without demanding exclusive loyalty. Over time, respect may grow through actions that let the child love their family without fear.

Read Chapter 4, then sit with the tension it names: a stepdad may hope a child will show him the same loyalty he feels toward his wife and their household, while the child’s primary loyalty remains with biological family. Deal presents that loyalty as something to expect. That can test your patience and your sense of place. It also gives you a chance to practice steady, generous fatherhood without making a child prove love by choosing sides.

Ephesians 6 begins by addressing children and their responsibility to honor their parents. Then it turns to fathers, telling them not to provoke their children, but to raise them with care and instruction. Both parts matter. Children are called to honor; fathers are warned that their authority can be used in ways that stir anger. The passage does not give a stepdad permission to demand a child’s affection or to treat family loyalty as a contest. It asks you to take your own conduct seriously.

Honoring a child’s bond with a biological parent does not erase your role. It means you do not ask the child to deny an important relationship in order to reassure you. You can be a trustworthy man in the child’s life through your choices: keeping your word, showing respect, and staying present even when closeness grows slowly. That kind of patience is not weakness. It takes courage to lead without forcing a child to settle your adult feelings.

The passage also gives you a useful question about authority: Is the way I speak and act helping this child grow, or am I making the child responsible for my place in the family? A correction may be needed at times, but correction should serve the child’s good rather than your need to win. When tension rises, you can pause, talk privately with your wife, and agree on a response that protects the child from being caught between adults.

You may hope for a close relationship with your stepchildren. Hope is good; pressure can make it harder for them to trust you. Let respect for their existing bonds be part of your integrity as a husband and stepfather. You can offer care without asking for a ranking, and you can build connection one ordinary act at a time.

Ask God for the strength to honor the child’s family ties while faithfully doing the work that is yours today. Your calling is not to demand that a child prove loyalty. It is to act with patience, courage, and care, leaving room for trust to grow freely.