Becoming the Beloved, IV: Given

Read Luke 22:19 slowly and watch the verbs. Jesus "took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and gave it to them." Took, gave thanks, broke, gave. Nouwen's fourfold pattern for the Spirit's movement in us is taken, blessed, broken, given. You could say this table scene lines up with those four words closely. It's worth noticing that the giving comes last, and that it comes out of everything before it.

In the chapter on being given, Nouwen says true joy comes from giving. He also shifts the question we usually ask. Many of us ask, "What can I offer?" and that quickly turns into a résumé of skills, jobs and accomplishments. Nouwen's question is, "Who can I be for you?" He says our deepest gifts are qualities of character: kindness, patience, joy, peace, forgiveness, gentleness, hope and trust, along with friendship and love. Talents are not the center.

That shift fits what Jesus does in the upper room. He says, "This is my body, which is given for you." What he hands over isn't a product or a service. It is himself. And he says of the cup, "This cup that is poured out for you is the new covenant in my blood." The gift is his own life, poured out.

You aren't Jesus, and your giving doesn't save anyone. But his pattern shows the shape of a life that gives. Notice the order again. Giving flows from being taken and blessed. If you give in order to be chosen, to be needed or to earn love, it will leave you drained and keep score. If you give from the knowledge that you are already beloved, you can give with open hands. Paul's list of the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22-23 sounds a lot like the gifts of character Nouwen names. Those aren't qualities we manufacture by effort. They grow in us as we stay near the Giver.

One honest limit: giving who you are doesn't mean staying available to someone who harms you. Gentleness and patience never require you to stay close to abuse. Giving works best where there is safety and mutual respect, and a pastor or counselor can help you sort this out if the lines are blurry.

Notice also the last line of verse 19: "Do this in remembrance of me." Jesus turns his gift into a habit his friends can keep. Your gifts of character work the same way. They show up in ordinary repeated moments: the patient tone, the forgiveness offered again, the steady hope in a hard conversation. Most people won't remember what you accomplished. They will remember who you were to them.

Nouwen's chapter on being given doesn't stop with how we live. He says we are called to live for others and also to die in a way that gives a gift, so that our death can be a gift too. That's a big claim, and it can sound heavy. John 12 helps, because Jesus says something very like it.

He says, "unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit." A seed that is kept safe in a jar stays a seed. It's secure, and it's alone. A seed that is buried changes into something that feeds others. Jesus says this just as his own hour is coming, and he is describing his own path. But he immediately widens it: "If anyone serves me, he must follow me; and where I am, there will my servant be also."

Then comes a hard line: "Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life." The language is strong, set up as a contrast. It's worth being careful here. Nouwen names self-rejection as one of life's greatest traps, so this can't mean despising yourself. A better reading is that Jesus is talking about a tight grip. Loving your life in the sense of clutching it, protecting it and making it all about you leads to a smaller life. Holding it loosely, with open hands, leads to fruit.

That helps us see what Nouwen's "given" looks like now, long before our last day. Most of the dying we are asked to do is small. It is dying to the need to be right, to be noticed, to be in control or to keep a grudge. Each small letting go is a seed buried. Following Jesus, "where I am," means going where he went, into service and into trust. And Jesus attaches a promise: "If anyone serves me, the Father will honor him." The honor comes from the Father, not from the crowd.

The end of life will come for everyone. Nouwen's invitation is that how we face it can be one more thing we give: with trust, with forgiveness spoken, with love passed on. That doesn't mean we won't grieve or be afraid. If death or loss feels heavy for you right now, please talk with a pastor or a trusted friend. And if you ever find yourself wishing you weren't alive, call or text 988 in the US to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, or call local emergency services if you're in immediate danger. Giving your life away is the opposite of wanting it to be over. It's choosing to let it bear fruit.