Appendix: Decision Making and Gender Roles

Read Mark 10:42-45. Jesus speaks to disciples who are tempted to measure greatness by rank and power. He names how rulers exercise authority, then says that among his followers it must be different: greatness takes the form of service. He points to his own life, saying that he came to serve and give his life for many. Authority in this passage is not a license to get one’s way. It is answerable to the pattern Jesus sets.

The appendix to The Meaning of Marriage considers how a couple makes decisions when they disagree. In the Kellers’ complementarian reading, a husband’s headship is meant as service to his wife and family, and a wife’s submission does not mean unlimited obedience or simply giving up her gifts. This is one Christian reading of marriage, and Christians also hold egalitarian readings in which marital authority and responsibilities are shared without gender-based roles. These traditions disagree about how to understand some biblical passages. Mark 10 gives all readers a common test: does authority look like service, or like lording it over someone?

That question can matter whether you are married, single, or part of a family or community. Before offering a decision, listen to the people it affects. Ask what they fear losing, what they hope for, and what information is missing. Listening first does not guarantee agreement. It does show that the other person is not an obstacle to manage. A strong opinion can be held with humility; a different opinion can be heard without treating it as disrespect.

Jesus’s example is demanding because service costs something. It can mean using influence to protect someone with less power, taking on an unglamorous task, or changing a plan after hearing a concern. It never means that someone should be controlled, harmed, or forced to obey. Jesus condemns domination in this passage. Where there is fear, coercion, or abuse, safety and outside help matter; a person should not be told that submission requires staying near someone who harms them.

If you are weighing a difficult decision with someone, try separating the decision from the desire to win. What outcome would serve the other person’s good as well as your own? What responsibility are you ready to carry? What would change your mind? These questions do not settle every disagreement, but they make room for truth and mutual respect. For a single reader, they offer a way to examine how you use any influence you have—with relatives, friends, coworkers, or people who depend on you.

The Kellers’ account asks spouses to use their different responsibilities for one another’s good; an egalitarian reader may understand those responsibilities differently. Both should be considered honestly, without pretending all Christians agree. Mark’s center is clearer: Jesus calls his followers away from domination and toward service. Ask God to show you where your own preferences have crowded out another person’s voice. Then take one practical step that makes your influence a source of care. Service does not erase your voice. It asks you to use it in love.

Read the appendix on your own first. When you meet, begin with one thing each of you found helpful or thought-provoking. Kathy Keller’s appendix considers how a couple makes decisions when they disagree. In her complementarian reading of Ephesians 5, a husband’s headship means service rather than privilege, and a wife’s gifts and judgment remain active in seeking the good of the family. She also denies that submission means unlimited obedience. Christians do not all read these passages the same way, so approach this as a real conversation rather than a verdict everyone must share.

In Mark 10:42-45, Jesus contrasts the way rulers use authority to dominate with the way his followers are to serve. He points to his own life as the pattern: he came to serve and give his life for others. That teaching gives any Christian couple a searching question: does the way we make decisions help the other person flourish, or does it protect my comfort and control? The passage does not settle every practical disagreement, but it makes domination a poor picture of Christian leadership.

Some Christians understand husband and wife as having distinct roles, with a husband bearing a particular responsibility to lead sacrificially and a wife responding with willing support. Others read the New Testament’s calls to mutual submission and shared service as giving husband and wife equal authority in marriage. Both approaches include Christians who want to honor Scripture and follow Jesus. You can name the difference without assuming bad faith or claiming that every church agrees. Whatever view you hold, Jesus’ servant model calls both spouses to humility, care, and serious attention to each other.

The appendix presents decision-making as service, not a husband’s license to get his way. Its account also expects a wife to bring her gifts and thoughts to the decision rather than merely go along. You might ask whether that picture gives both of you room to speak honestly and whether you can disagree without fear. When an issue affects one spouse more deeply, listening may mean giving that person’s concerns extra time. Service is not a tactic for getting agreement; it is a posture of seeking the other’s good.

Take turns answering: when we disagree, what helps each of us feel heard before a choice is made? One person speaks fully while the other listens only to understand—no rebuttal, fixing, or defending—then you switch. You do not have to resolve your theology or every decision today. If this question touches a painful power imbalance or becomes heated, pause and return later. A counselor or trusted pastor can help with a conversation that keeps running hot.

Close by thanking each other for one thing you heard. If you both want, share a short prayer for wisdom and a willingness to serve. Let it accompany the conversation, not shut down something one of you is still trying to say.