Chapter 3: First Steps Toward Knowing Yourself

David's prayer in Psalm 51 comes out of real failure. The heading ties it to the time the prophet Nathan confronted him after his sin with Bathsheba (2 Samuel 12). In verse 6 he says something that fits today's topic: "Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart."

Notice the setting. David doesn't begin by lecturing himself. He begins by asking for mercy according to God's steadfast love (verse 1). Only then does he say he knows his transgressions (verse 3). The truth-telling happens inside mercy.

That lines up with Benner's teaching that the first move toward self-knowledge is self-acceptance: honestly facing the self you actually are, wrongdoing and shortfalls included, while held within God's love. He sets this against denial and against launching self-improvement projects. He argues that refusing to accept yourself blocks God's transforming work, and that God's love is the only secure ground for facing yourself. Psalm 51 shows the same footing. David can look at the worst of himself because he is asking God, not his own willpower, to deal with it.

One thing needs to be said plainly. Accepting who you are is not excusing what you have done. David doesn't say, "That's just how I am." He calls it sin, and he asks to be cleansed. First John 1:9 gives the same promise: if we confess our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive us and cleanse us. Acceptance, in the healthy sense, means admitting the truth and bringing it to God instead of hiding it, shrinking it or trying to fix it alone.

Benner also describes the self as a family of many part-selves, with ignored parts needing welcome and integration into the person one is becoming. Evangelical critics, CANA among them, question the Jungian, Enneagram and 'Christ-in-me' framing in his work, and the part-selves language is drawn from depth psychology, which some evangelical critics dispute.

Whatever vocabulary you use, let Scripture be the judge of it. Psalm 51:6 says God teaches wisdom in the secret heart, and you can take that at face value without adopting any system. In plain words: there are things in you that you tend to skip over. A fear. An ache. A desire. A gift you buried because it felt risky. Today, pick one and name it. You don't need to fix it or explain it. You only need to bring it into the light where God delights in truth.

If the thing you've been ignoring is tied to abuse, deep grief or something that overwhelms you, take it to a pastor, counselor or trusted friend as well. You don't have to face it alone.