Part 2, Chapter 6: I can't do it all, but I'm not helpless, either: the law of power

Every small child starts out believing the world runs on their wishes. Wanting something and getting it feel like the same event. Part of growing up is bumping into the edge of that belief. In their chapter on the law of power, Cloud and Townsend argue that a child gains healthy power by doing two things together: admitting what they cannot control, and fully using what they can. The goal is not a crushed child or a bossy one. It is a child who is honest about their size.

Start with the first half. A child cannot control whether the picnic gets rained out, whether a friend wants to play, or whether bedtime arrives. When a parent keeps a limit in place, they are handing the child a lesson in how the world really works. The book ties this kind of acceptance to Romans 5:6, and the verse is worth slowing down on: "For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly."

Notice that Paul does not treat weakness as something to hide. He treats it as the plain starting fact. We were weak, and Christ acted. Then verse 8 adds: "God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Our limits did not cost us love. That matters for how we respond when a child says, "I can't." A parent who is uneasy with weakness will either rush in to fix it or shame the child for it. A parent who is at peace with limits can say, "That's hard, and you can't do it yet. Here is what you can do."

Now the second half: what a child can control. Their choices, their effort, their words, and their willingness to ask. The book promotes healthy dependence on other people. Asking for help is not failure. A child who never asks becomes brittle. A child who only asks never grows. Healthy power sits between those two. It sounds like, "I tried this part. I need help with that part."

The book also talks about setting limits on dishonesty and on over-commitment. One way to see both is that they are small attempts to look bigger than we are. A child who lies to escape trouble, or who promises everything to everyone, is grabbing control they do not have. A calm limit on those habits teaches the child that being honest about their size is safe.

Finally, the authors say power can heal or harm depending on how it is used. That applies to the adult in the room too. Your authority is real, but it is meant to build the child up, not to prove you are in charge.

If you are not a parent, the same question works with any child you help, and with yourself: where am I pretending to be bigger than I am, and where am I acting smaller than I am?

Read this one on your own first, then sit down together when you both have a little calm. Start warm: each of you names one thing from the reading that landed with you before anything harder comes up.

Chapter 6 of Boundaries with Kids covers what Cloud and Townsend call the law of power. In their framing, a child gains healthy power by admitting what they can't control and then using fully what they can. Little kids begin life feeling as if the world revolves around them, and reality has to meet them, gently and over and over. The authors also say parents should set limits on dishonesty and on over-commitment, and they note that power used well heals while power used badly harms.

Two separate points from the chapter are worth holding. First, the book promotes healthy dependence on other people. Second, it ties accepting limits to Romans 5:6. Take them one at a time.

Start with Romans. Paul writes, “For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.” Verse 8 adds, “God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Notice that the word is weak. Scripture doesn't dress it up. It says out loud that we lack strength, and it says what Christ did in that very condition. That is a good place for the two of you to stand before you talk about your kids. You aren't all-powerful either, and you don't have to pretend to be.

Now the everyday point about depending on others. The book wants kids to learn to lean on real people: to ask for help, to say “I can't do this yet,” to let a teacher, grandparent or coach into the picture. A child who can't admit a need often covers it with a lie. Another child says yes to everything and then collapses. Both are ways of acting more powerful than we really are, which is why limits on dishonesty and over-commitment belong in this conversation.

So what can your child control? Their effort, their words, their choices, whether they ask for help. What can't they control? Your decision, a sibling's mood, the weather, whether a friend invites them over. Parents get tangled in two ways: we hand kids power they can't carry yet, or we grab power that is rightfully theirs.

For you as a couple, here's the tender part. Many parents feel they have to fix everything, and that can get tied up with our own stories. Come with curiosity, not a scorecard.

When you talk, let one person answer fully while the other only listens to understand. No fixing, no defending, no rebutting. Then switch. A real conversation about half the questions beats rushing through all of them. If you'd like, close with a short prayer together.